|American Flag Bald Eagle Image Credit: http://guff.com/20-bald-eagles-who-love-america|
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a bigoted billionaire with terrible hair ran for president. He was arrogant, he was brash, and, amongst racists and right-wingers, he was all the rage.
At the same time, in another land, a land not so far way, a land far superior in its grace and piety, where molestation was a myth, and God’s wrath was predicted by fashion, and actors doubled as the moral police, the powers that be tut-tutted.
"Only in America," they sighed.
And so they sat down to do what they did best; pen a heartfelt white-paper to this lost nation.
“ Dear Infidels,
Hello from the other side. We must have called a thousand times. To you tell that, under normal circumstances, we'd laugh at that circus you're running on your side of the pond, say lakh laanat, and be on our way, but not this time. This time, you've got us worried. Hello? Presidential election? That clown you’re actually calling your Republican nominee? Dekho, sachi baat hai, it's not like we're affected by your politics or anything, but have you ever asked yourself, log kya kahein gay?
Or have you forgotten those eight glorious years of Bush buffoonery?
Khair, we're not going to be petty and dig up dirt from the past — some secrets will go with us to the Abu-Grave — but, really, at this point we think chaddi buddies like us owe each other complete honesty.
It's worked so well all those other times. You know, like after 9/11 when we flipped you the bird and refused to be sucked in that War on Terror debacle.
Chalo, mitti pao, everyone makes mistakes. You more than others, but who's counting, right? Good news is, there’s still time to do the right thing, gentlemen. The exact same thing we would do if we were in your place (not that that would ever happen). Just take ownership of your bumbling behavior and be ready to make some big changes.
Or find a General who's up to the task.
LOL, just kidding. Military interventions are soooo 1997.
All you really need a nudge in the right direction. Perhaps, a vision. Maybe even a game-plan. Or, like, maybe, you just need us…and our unsolicited words of wisdom.