March 18, 2019


High school was hard, na? Gossip. Petty politics. Awkward fashion. Hideous hair. Moochein and eyebros. Your “rep”. Popular people with their cryptic codes of conduct. And that shiny little shit, peer pressure — more potent, more powerful, more persuasive than any parent on the planet, shoving straight-A smart-asses into shenanigans so lame there was really no other place to land except neck-deep in a steaming pile of poop

I mean, Dina and Zoha caught egging the Aitchison Head Boy’s house, BY THE AITCHISON HEAD BOY! As if black bras under those white uniforms weren’t an option?

Kulsoom consecutively dumb-calling Faizee 34 times in 20 minutes? The only reason that stupid stalker didn’t make it to the 35th was because HE CALLED HER BACK TO TELL HER HE HAD GODDAMN CALLER ID! Variety is the spice of life, nun-kebab…as if pretend-crumpling and trashing those phone number chits boys threw at your lunch table wasn’t the way to go?

And then there were Humiliation Hall-of-Famers, Peejoo and Jazzy. Everyone swooned and waowed when they decided to elope, until those bloody buffoons were INTERECEPTED BY THEIR FAMILIES AT THE DAEWOO KA ADDA! Dude, for real?! Leaving town for some premarital nookie? Were all their cool friends with huge empty houses and parents who were always out of town dead? Literally, for fuck’s sake, get a guestroom! Frickin’ fools didn’t even make it past Kalma Chowk and their entire lives went to shit. He, Allah maara, got expelled and had his admission to Ohio Wesleyan rescinded. And Peejoo? Nikkah-o-fied to her paindoo phupi’s son — TOTAL runs-a-convenience-store-only-speaks-thait-Punjabi-or-Brad-Ford-Ka-Mirpuriya-wali-English type cheapster — and shipped off to the Yoo-Kay.